she woke up with a sticky ear
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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