i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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