apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
