Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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