Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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