There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
