Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
