I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
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I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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