we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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