Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
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just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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