im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
