Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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