and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
