i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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