Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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