Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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