I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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