We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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