I met the friendliest cop last night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize