in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
