she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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