Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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