The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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