Hey man sorry I got all grabby
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
