Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
