ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
