That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
