I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
