I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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