you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
