the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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