Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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