I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize