The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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