I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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