It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
