God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
