I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
