Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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