there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
