You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
