how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
