i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
