I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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