You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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