Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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