I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
