Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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