I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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