1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
