I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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