omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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