There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
