I wish I could punch you in the face.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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