shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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