Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
